Excerpts from http://pmnewsnigeria.com/2012/10/12/ways-to-nurture-relationships-1/by Aidy Thomas. Enjoy!
Being exposed to the approach of Kevin Eikenberry about building or nurturing relationships has made a lot
of issues become clearer.
Although most people think he plays around with words by trying
to differentiate building from nurturing; I’ve realised that this could possibly be
the cause
of some problems wrecking lovers for ages.
This might sound like a little diversion but bear with me as it might beam some useful light on why you are struggling in that relationship.
We have all used ‘building relationships’
to portray
the effort/commitment you put in
to making it work —this is fine. On
the o
ther hand,
there are relationships which started by someone going out
of the way
to get
the o
ther involved.
In most cases, men feel fulfilled
to be in this ‘chasing position’ because nature tells
them hunting is
the meaning
of existence but when women swap and take
the hunting role, does it always end well? I don’t know and would not want
to say what I’m not sure
of.
Statistics have shown that relationship bir
thed out
of pressure or manipulation does not always last. Yes, someone has
to make
the first move but when
the feelings don’t merge over time, it means; one person is driven by expected benefit or
the fear
of being single is making
them desire or initiate a relationship
to serve a hidden purpose o
ther than true love and lifetime commitment.
Going in
to a relationship ei
ther by what you can get or for fear
of being alone are both dangerous. Right in
the heart
of marriages are people who know for sure
they would naturally not want
to be with
the persons
they have chosen. Selfish reasons have made folks say ‘YES’
to relationships
they know from
the start does not have a future. Why would a guy push for a babe simply because she is a daughter
of an MP, Sena
tor, celebrity or business mogul? Are you marrying for names/status or your future
toge
ther? A lady who looks at her biological clock and starts
to draw guys close by all means most times ends up in wrong hands. You would have heard a thousand and one s
tories like that. If you are a nice person and someone is attracted
to you and later decides
to stay till death do you part; that’s okay but allowing desperation
to drive you crazy is unwise.
Someone might say; “you don’t know how it is
to be lonely”, “our society looks down on mature single girls”, “a guy is referred
to being responsible if he is married” “life means nothing
to me without a man”, “
being married is a cover”, “I’m dying
to get in
to my dream wedding dress and enjoy that special day”, “so much pressure from family and friends is driving me nuts”, etc. You might have dozens
of excuses making you want
to escape singlehood at all costs but have you considered how painful a bad relationship/marriage could be for both men and women? Actually, it’s worse than not ever
being married at all. I’ve spoken
to loads
of people who wish
they were never married.
The heart ache
of a bad relationship kills you faster than loneliness. It’s worse when people outside think you are enjoying that union while you are actually roasting in
there. Sometimes for
the sake
of pride and privacy, you don’t want
to tell
them what you are going through.
This, no matter how well you pretend, does not make
the pains go away; it ra
ther increases by
the day.
Have you ever had
the opportunity
to speak
to a man who followed physical beauty only
to discover that she was
totally empty inside? Oh no! He’ll hate
the mere sight
of her ‘overtly decorated posture’. Marriage is not only for looks; an intelligent, productive, virtuous, organised, supportive, complementing spouse would forever be cherished.
Love should be mutual; two people attracted
to each o
ther and committed
to making it work achieve better results. You don’t need
to force or manipulate love, just give it a chance
to happen. If it does and you both now agree
to walk
toge
ther and share your lives, here are certain things that can help you nurture and streng
then your decision.
Communication:
The voice
of someone you detest is a blast
to your eardrum —you wish
they were silent all day but when a loved one refuses
to have a word with you, it’s a bo
ther. I appreciate
the fact that words are not
the only way
to communicate; body language, gestures and sometimes ‘false silence’ could be counted for communication. You know what I mean by ‘false silence’? When you suddenly lose your voice when he/she shows up —you are
too overwhelmed
to verbalise your feelings but this happens mostly at
the early stage
of the relationship and mature in
to long gaze as
the relationship grows. All you are doing here is silently analysing how fortunate you have been
to be associated with
them.
When I was younger, I wondered why almost every relationship book or publication would have something
to say about communication but now it is a lot clearer. If you want
to know
the value someone places on you, watch what and how
they talk
to you: deeper relationship —deeper communication, shallow relationship —shallow communication. Even in ordinary terms,
there are persons you would not want
to hear what you are discussing with o
thers. Why?
They are not at that level
of closeness with you.
People can forget what you did
to them over time but
the words you spoke ten, twenty, thirty or more years ago can still be heard as fresh in
the ears/heart
of the receiver.
The words you say
to your spouse play back in
them and go a long way
to condition how
they feel about
the union. Matching actions with words puts an indelible seal on your value for love; be it negative or positive. If you tell your spouse you love
them and your actions portray so,
they’ll believe you quicker than just words and if you’ve ever
told your love you hate
them; everything you do will be measured
to see if you are manifesting
the hatred or taking it fur
ther.
